SACRAMENTO, CA — On Saturday, a frantic Governor Gavin Newsom called an emergency meeting with his Democrat staff and the media. Thank goodness they’re mostly the same people.
“Come quick, everyone! I’ve just learned!” an out-of-breath Newsom said, waving the press members into the conference room like a third-base coach.
“I know many Californians are feeling our state’s decline and demanding to know why,” Newsom began. “But my staff has stumbled upon the answer. Apparently, all of California’s great liberal policies are being thwarted by THIS MAN!” the Governor yelled as a staffer held up an oversized picture of a pioneer settlement.
“Right there!” Newsom carefully pointed to a small spec. “That, my friends, is James Anderson! The reason why all my policies are failing left and right!”
The press looked a bit confused.
“James Anderson was a REGISTERED REPUBLICAN! And he was a part of California’s early government!” Newsom screamed while pounding the podium.
Papers, laptops, and microphones flew into the air as the press shrieked and gasped in horror.
“Look around. You think Bidenomics would be failing if ol’ Anderson wasn’t putting his boot on its throat?!” Newsom screamed. “And our two million homeless people in the streets—ALL ANDERSON’S FAULT!”
It is now settled science that James Anderson apparently planted elusive and complex Republican ideals all over the early 1860s California government, which has been able to stifle leftist policy to this day.
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