The fence that surrounds the tiger enclosure at the San Diego Zoo has reached an unprecedented level of effectiveness. This month alone there have only been 221 breakthrough cases. While zoo-goers were expecting zero breakthrough cases, experts still say the engineers who designed the fence should be praised as modern-day gods.
“These fences are a miracle,” Ben Shapiro told his audience following a visit to the zoo. “I am both astounded and astonished at how effective they are at keeping those tigers in their enclosure. Now some might point out that 221 bloodthirsty tigers have effortlessly hopped over the fence and devoured dozens of families. Well, yes. But think about how much worse it would’ve been without the miracle fences. Really think about it, gang.”
The level of safety from tiger mauling has impressed the San Diego Zoo ownership so much they have collaborated with the California government to make weekly zoo visits mandatory statewide.
“My brain actually hurts when I think about how smart it is to hang around these fences,” Gavin Newsom said in a statement. “My doctor swears it’s my hair gel absorbing into my scalp, but I know the pain comes from the unprecedented level of efficacy these fences bring. Therefore, effective immediately; anyone who doesn’t go near that tiger enclosure once a week will be fired from their job. Hey, I’m just following science here, you guys.”
Update: Despite being fully immersed by the fences, 95% of San Diego Zoo employees have tested positive for DBT (death by tiger).
“But I struggle to think of how bad it would’ve been without the fences,” a rare living employee said. “I’m also struggling to put this tourniquet around my missing arm. So if someone could help me with this…”
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