TALLAHASSEE, FL–At long last, the elite group of bearded men who meticulously prophesied the last two years are being properly recognized. In Florida, at least.
“They call them ‘conspiracy theorists’, but we call them regular dudes who’ve cracked open a history book. They’ve nailed everything,” Ron DeSantis said announcing the holiday. “You know where we’d be without these guys? I’ll tell you. In the identical place we are today. Because no matter how many times they’re proven right, nobody listens to them!”
As they predicted, all the conspiracy theorists’ friends and family at the ceremony still refuse to admit they were right about anything.
“Sure you said the 2020 election was stolen, but you never said anything about mules–so that doesn’t count!” shouted one of their sisters.
Then one of their mother-in-laws yelled, “You said I shouldn’t trust the vaccine, but I’m just fine! Now, can someone help me lift my arm so I can point and laugh at Doug?”
Frustrated by the heckling, one of the conspiracy theorists yelled, “I got your lab leak right here!” and released an enormous fart toward the detractors. The ceremony then devolved into chaos when all the men told them not to worry because their masks should stop them from smelling anything.
A frustrated DeSantis then left the stage and said all this bickering was ‘for the birds.’
“Birds?” many of the theorists snickered.
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