BEAVERTON, OR– It was a touching scene at Beaverton High School on Friday when all the CRT graduates celebrated by throwing their white, pointy caps into the air.
“May your pointy caps float as high as Portland’s murder rate!” the principal yelled as the state-issued hoods flew up in unison.
After replacing all the traditional subjects in 2021, Oregon students have excelled in Critical Race Theory. In fact, most Portland-area high schoolers are getting straight Y’s–which stands for ‘You Did You’! An occasional grade of T’s (Time To Think) slips in. However, T’s are rare after the students began showing their displeasure by burning a large wooden ‘T’ on their lawns.
“You’ll notice it’s raining today. But do you know why? Because Friends didn’t feature a black character until mid-way through season nine!” valedictorian Jessica Miles angrily screamed at the all-white crowd.
But one parent expressed concern over the caps that were thrown, referring to them as a ‘well-known symbol of racism.’
“Wow, Mom. I’m impressed!” a CRT honor student said to her birthing person. “I didn’t know you were so well trained in this field. What else do you notice is racist? How about that squirrel over there?”
When the concerned mother clarified by explaining that the caps looked like Klansman hoods, she was again praised for her elite CRT skills and was handed an honorary degree in the form of a flaming cross.
Update: Following the graduation, the principal encouraged students to retrieve their caps.
“Trust me, you’ll need these in college. Also, please take precautions as you leave. Looks like storm clouds forming over there,” she said sharply, extending her right arm into the air.
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