In between writing bills that raise taxes and weaken our borders, DC swamp dwellers need to find ways to unwind too. Chuck Schumer, who spend much of the ’90s gathering interns for newly elected Bill Clinton, was unable to catch the hit Disney film Homeward Bound in 1993. Reports are he finally popped in the Blu-ray to see what he had missed.
“Oh, this movie is an absolute delight!” Schumer yelled while clapping his hands. At that point in the film, it seemed all hope was lost as the pets were still aimlessly searching for their family. “Look at them. Their hearts are filled with pain and anguish! This just soothes the soul.”
But what Schumer saw next disturbed him greatly. First, it was the pit bull Chance who came bounding into the family’s arms.
“What? What the sweet crap is this?” Schumer whispered in disbelief. “That middle-class family is delighted to have their pup back. I utterly despise the idea of a middle-class family obtaining satisfaction!”
Then it was the smart-mouthed Himalayan cat that darted up the hill into the family’s arms.
“I can’t take this anymore! What kinda sick freak would write this?” Schumer yelled at the TV.
As Chuck collected himself, he tried to take solace with the fact that ol’ Shadow had clearly been killed by the long journey. But then, disaster struck Schumer. The frail golden retriever also rejoined the family and the Senator attempted to punch a hole through the television.
Update: Chuck Schumer has demanded his staff keep playing the movie with the hopes the pets never return to their loving family.