ST. LOUIS, MO—Earlier this year, Bud Light famously made the brilliant business decision to cease all marketing towards beer drinkers and instead focus on the fabulous new demo of show-tune-singing transvestites. A segment that makes up 00.002% of alcohol-aged Americans but oddly 71% of Junior Highers.
Shockingly, this marketing campaign failed.
“Our sales went down faster than Joe Biden on a flight of stairs,” CEO Michel Doukeris said. “So we’re kicking off a fresh new slogan that’s sure to include not just the left—but even the far, radical left.”
The new slogan, “WE ARE GENDER FLUID,” has already hit billboards throughout America.
“Now we just sit back and wait for the cash to start pouring back in,” Doukeris said with a twinkle in his eye. “What can I say—I know how to market to average Americans.”
When the new catchphrase was shown to focus groups, it prompted a unique response.
“Everybody kept throwing up,” a marketing executive said. “You want a campaign to have a strong response, but not a projectile one. I had to change my clothes multiple times. I think this means it’s going to be a hit.”
In less than a day, all billboards were burned to the ground, and sales worsened.
To stop further bleeding, Bud Light was forced to hire Kamala Harris as a spokesperson. In the Harris ad, she gives a twelve-minute speech on the back of a Clydesdale. Update: During the shoot, the large horse kept kicking Harris, and once the outtake footage of the incident leaked online, it quickly became known as the greatest beer commercial ever made.
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