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Media: We Cannot Open Economy Until Models Show Trump Cannot Restore It

Media: We Cannot Open Economy Until Models Show Trump Cannot Restore It

In a joint statement from NBC, CBS, CNN, and ABC, the news organizations emphatically insisted America is not quite ready to re-open the economy.

“We absolutely should not, under any circumstances, re-open the economy until the models show President Trump cannot restore it,” the statement reads.  “Should the economy be unleashed any time soon, a huge percentage of the ‘makers’ would begin flourishing again.  “Those greedy—probably white males would turn on their open signs and start a whole bunch of commerce.  This would make our cherished ‘takers’ feel yucky all over again.”

The document goes on to say, “Once every square inch of our fruited plains is a smoldering wasteland of ashes, we can think about re-opening.  When citizens aimlessly wander the streets for food we can consider it.  But, we repeat; if we open too soon, Trump will work his magic and will moonwalk into a second term.  And that would be a bad thing for America!”

The statement does explain the economy could re-open under a complicated and complex turn of events.  “Should President Trump say the US should remain closed, then the economy should immediately turn on—full throttle!”