WASHINGTON, DC — Fictional President Joe Biden has demanded the launch of a full-scale investigation to learn who raised the political temperature against “Russian Prime Minister Kamala Harris.”
His team later clarified he meant former President Donald Trump. However, the details of his statement raised eyebrows.
“Listen, Jack. I want a full report that explains which disgusting sack of dog s*** said inappropriate things about that threat to democracy, [Trump]. The idea, THE IDEA that someone in my administration would be inpolite, is unfathomable. I would expect that from Hitler-like Trump, but not from my team. So, I tell my team, that pack of complete doofuses, to get that report on my desk before I head to bed tonight–that’s 5:20 pm! So get it right, ya retards!”
The report, which contains specific questions from Joe Biden himself, is estimated to cost roughly $138 billion. The questions he is demanding answers for are as follows:
-Has any mainstream news outlet ever been unfair to Donald Trump? If so, who?
-Has anyone in the media ever made fun of Donald Trump’s hair?
-Why did bloodthirsty Donald Trump orchestrate January 6th?
-Who exactly keeps pooping in my pants?
-Where am I?
UPDATE: Joe Biden’s staff has set the land-speed record for completing this report, concluding that Donald Trump is responsible for raising the political temperature.
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