With a loud booming voice that oddly sounded like it was coming from DNC headquarters, Science™ spoke and said it’s time to triple mask and limit home gatherings to 500 people. But Science™ accidentally made the rookie mistake by not first running its findings by Obama’s party planning committee.
“You tell Science™ it needs to reschedule. Before I lose it!” Michelle Obama was heard yelling to the CDC over the phone. “No! I don’t care! You’ve seen how far I can throw Fauci!”
So an hour later Science™ issued the correction:
“Actually, we must celebrate the birth of our most African-American-y President. Then, after that party, COVID-19 will rear its ugly head again and you should be panicked.”
Sadly, this was not nearly good enough for Michelle Obama and she demanded further concessions be made so her husband wouldn’t look like a hypocrite douchebag again.
So Science™ updated the science yet again.
“Update: Parties with 700 people, two dozen bounce houses, double-dipping at fondue stations, and promiscuous unprotected sex is A-Okay until after Obama’s birthday party. After that? COVID-19 will be back. And this time, it’ll be angrier than ever.”
After more strong-arming, Michelle demanded clowns be allowed at Obama’s party. Science™ said it was fine if Pelosi and Schumer attend.
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