Historians Discover Lewis & Clark’s Hand Sanitizer Bottle

Historians Discover Lewis & Clark’s Hand Sanitizer Bottle

VANCOUVER, WA–Historians from the University of Portland have uncovered an original hand sanitizer bottle that belonged to the famously risk-averse duo, Lewis and Clark.

Facemasks, rape whistles, and even the skeleton of a small emotional support dog were also discovered along the Columbia River banks.

“Back then you were allowed to take off your mask outdoors,” said a Portland professor examining the items. “We need to understand it was just a different time.”

The new history books (provided by the Biden administration) detail the extreme need for explorers to frequently spritz their hands with sanitizer.

“Expeditions through the wilderness posed enormous challenges. For example, the never-ending relocating ‘In This House’ yard signs. Also, the lack of George Floyd memorials was a huge deterrent for explorers,” the book explains. “But Thomas ‘The Racist’ Jefferson wanted to find native Americans to satisfy his lust for discriminating, so he commissioned the expedition as soon as enough hand sanitizer could be gathered.”

The new history books also outline how Lewis and Clark were forced to show the woodland creatures their vaccine cards upon entry of each prairie.

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