New documents from the NIH reveal that once Dr. Anthony Fauci realized he had no idea how to kill COVID, he tried his hand at killing puppies. Soon the phrase #FauciKillsDoggieStyle began trending on Twitter and the wise and noble doctor was forced to defend himself.
“Listen, I’m a warm and relatable man. Therefore, I understand that American humans don’t care for young dogs very much,” he said. “But I assure you, the work was very scientific. I remember one study conclusively confirmed that puppies cannot see without their eyeballs. Another, if I remember correctly, put to rest the long-held debate that a dog could live a normal life if it were turned completely inside out. And some of that might seem bad to non-scientists, but not when you consider what we’ve got planned for humans.”
After 4K footage of him lowering dogs into wood chippers surfaced, the good doctor briefly worried he may have done something to upset the Democrat party–Joe Biden in particular.
“Oh, for heaven’s sake! This is horrible!” Biden yelled in agony. “Just look what Fauci has done to the face of this poor old dog! It’s the most horrific thing I’ve ever seen!”
The president was quickly informed that he was looking at a portrait of Hillary Clinton and the White House press conference began to address the matter.
“We’re troubled that Dr. Fauci spent tens of millions of taxpayer dollars tormenting puppies when we’ve got perfectly good Trump supporters running around,” Jan Psaki commented Monday. “So we consider this a small gaff. We’ve all done what’s he’s done. He’s still our great leader as long as he does exactly what we say.”
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