AKRON, OH —It’s well known that LeBron James holds the all-time record among all NBA players (and non-NBA players) for cracking open a culturally popular book and only reading the first page. Now it seems his entire ‘I Promise School’ student body is following his lead.
“The odds an eighth-grader can read at ‘I Promise’ is worst than LeBron’s percentage of winning in the Finals,” the Akron Beacon Journal began. “And why does the school’s World Literature syllabus only list page 1 of each book?”
The embarrassing report prompted James to acknowledge the news in a press conference.
“We need to do better. And thankfully, my readings have prepared me for overcoming this hurdle,” James told the media while tapping his oddly pristine copy of the Malcolm X biography.
“The great Dr. X once boldly said, and I quote, ‘Published by Penguin Random House in 1991. All rights are reserved. Printed in Boulder, Colorado,’ and those words have never been more true than they are today.”
LeBron, now getting emotional, expounded further.
“All our rights ARE reserved, dammit! By random penguins!” He yelled to a perplexed press. “Believe me—those racist penguins are BUILT DIFFERENT!”
Update: Now admitting the task of eighth-grade literacy is too great, LeBron James has renamed his school to ‘Keepn’ It Real Academy.’
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