The NBA has informed all teams that each player shall receive a COVID booster shot in between free throws regardless of their vaccination history.
“We want every opportunity to put that sweet, magical, experimental vaccine juice in them as publically as possible,” Commissioner, Adam Silver said. “Their bodies, our choice, right? But anyway, this pandemic is so serious, we’ve asked a doctor riding a unicycle to roll out and give each player shooting free throws a jab.”
“Think of how healthy they’ll be!” ESPN’s Steven A. Smith screamed with his arms extended towards the heavens. “Think of how happy Joe Biden will be! And that’s what sports are all about! Pleasing Democrats!”
In the first game to feature the new procedure, Pistons center, Isaiah Stewart made an impressive hook shot while being fouled.
“And one!” he yelled enthusiastically.
“Aaaaaaaaaaand one more, big guy,” a doctor said while poking him with a booster.
Stewart went to the line eight times before halftime and was vaccinated each time. Yet, despite his effective play, he didn’t reenter the game.
“After half time I felt he didn’t have his game face on. And his heart wasn’t in it,” the Pistons coach later told the media. “Yeah, one side of his face was all droopy. And somehow his heart was no longer in his chest. So, yeah, he didn’t play the second half.”
Update: Upon learning that only 96% of those attending the game were vaccinated, the t-shirt cannon guns were loaded with syringes, and vaccines were fired wildly into the stands.
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