El SEGUNDO, CA — With the country in disarray, Americans continue to turn to famed basketball dribbler and notable high school graduate LeBron James. Following an exhausting Lakers practice filled with gender pronoun drills and watching film (CNN), James issued a sobering reminder of how far this country has fallen in the wake of Donald Trump:
“Ya know, it’s getting to the point where we can’t even dress up as Michael Jackson, kidnap young children, and assault everyone on the subway,” James said to his adoring media. “There was a time in this nation when we could be arrested for assault 42 times, but we were given a 43rd chance. Whatever happened to the 43rd chance? I thought Republicans were supposed to be Christians. I mean, did the great Dr. X teach us nothing?”
Because of the recent events, LeBron and the Lakers have publicly changed their goal from winning the NBA championship to tainting the national jury pool so that all citizens (and non-citizens) will convict vigilantes trying to stop crime.
“It’s a huge opportunity for me personally,” James said. “I have every single sports employee at ESPN and TNT acting exactly how I want. So now I move to control what judges and juries do.”
Update: In a related story, LeBron will miss the next few weeks due to white supremacy.
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