MANHATTAN, NY—Despite their congress-like reputation of purity and professionalism, it seems scandal has broken out within the NFL offices. And you’re going to want to sit down for this one.
Email records show that from 1937 through 2019, high-ranking (and low-ranking) NFL officials called a team “the Redskins” roughly 14.2 million times.
One particularly damning email from 2007 shows that Commissioner Roger Goodell told an arena maintenance crew that “…the Redskins parking situation is a mess.”
“When he wasn’t busy being white, Goodell spent years furthering the stereotype that Indians can’t park cars well,” Don Lemon said, lambasting the commissioner. “I think I need to have a little powwow with the whole NFL!”
As usual, Goodell has apologized for the league’s actions with a statement:
“In the wake of this news, we are canceling the 2023 season. Instead of football, we will be doing a lot of listening and learning. Native Americans are the best vehicle parkers this continent has ever seen. Lastly, we want to point out that we exchanged no racist emails between 1937 and 1995.”
Update: Because the NFL wants this whole email scandal behind them as quickly as possible, the league has hired Hillary Rodham Clinton to manage the crisis.
Give Us Story Ideas
