As ESPN celebrates its tenth year of being the go-to channel for consuming Democrat political talking points, network executives noticed a small opportunity opening up in a totally different niche. It seems that within the United States, there is a peculiar group of caveman-like men who are searching for something other than DNC propaganda. They are called “sports fans” and scientists had long believed they went extinct once the big, bad, orange man came to power.
“Oh, yes. I’ve heard of these things,” ESPN’s, Dan LeBatard said. “These were men who didn’t like to sing hymns of praises to Obama. They didn’t even want to ‘shout their abortions’. They just liked to watch a ball fly around, sometimes for hours. Their brains are totally undeveloped,” he said as he lit one of his Robert Mueller prayer candles.
But because many of these sports fans have been discovered, ESPN has made the bold decision to launch a small division called ‘ESPN Sports’. Reports are, this channel will follow the sports balls around and keep score for the bizarre men.
“You’re not going to believe this, but I think we actually did something like this years ago,” said Disney president, Bob Iger. Iger, who is openly ashamed of the new channel, said he’s uncomfortable diverging from ESPN’s long-held tradition of hating sports fans.
After ESPN Sports’ debut, Bob Iger demanded the channel be shut down despite its record ratings. “Nope. Scrap it! There’s no way we’re pulling those types of numbers. The computer’s definitely broken!” Iger screamed. “Back to basics, folks. Let’s just E-S-P-N. Ya know, Everybody Start Politicking, Now!”