WASHINGTON, D.C.– The White House is sending Alec ‘Hot Shot’ Baldwin to Ukraine after the administration decided they need to conquer Russia, without actually firing a weapon.
“Allen! It’s me! Jill’s first lady’s brother, Joe Baldwin!” Biden began his call to the actor. “I need you on the first train to Ukraine! And pack your magic trigger finger because we need everyone dead! I would shoot the Russians myself, but NAPPO will impeach me!”
Upon hearing a powerful Democrat needed him, Alec fell to his knees and began to fake cry.
“Joseph, you brilliant son of a bitch. Your words spill from your mouth like silk stocking off a stork’s leg. Yes, of course, I’ll go. I’d do anything for peace. Especially if it means indiscriminately killing with no end in sight!” Baldwin said with great emotion. “But fear not. I will use my secret tactic, and nary a trigger will be pulled.”
The two men, thrilled with each other’s company, then did the ugly cry for over three minutes before Baldwin was whisked away by military helicopters.
Hours later, Baldwin was on the snowy hills of Ukraine, shooting everyone and everything in sight.
“That wasn’t me–it was the craft service guy, I think!” Alec screamed after each kill.
Update: Because it was Biden’s new, woke military, his choppers mistakenly dropped Baldwin in Utah. Mitt Romney quickly and enthusiastically endorsed the bloodshed and thanked his constituents for ‘taking one for the team.’
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