HOLLYWOOD, CA – Paramount Pictures is acknowledging their new, all-female remake of Mission: Impossible, “Nothing: Is Impossible For You, Girl!” is facing unique and difficult-to-predict challenges at the box office.
Starring the loveably fit Amy Schumer, Paramount had hopes of putting a new twist on the traditionally masculine action franchise by remaking it into what moviegoers really wanted: A herd of kick-ass, no-nonsense, boss bitches telling men what to do while slow-motion-walking away from massive explosions.
“Yeah, I’ll say it. I’m angry. Furious, actually,” said Paramount’s chief DEI officer, Connie Ratchets. “We spent a whopping $368 million on production and marketing, and you wanna know how many tickets we’ve sold? Twenty-two. In a full month. Only twenty-two mother f***ing tickets. And don’t give me this girls-aren’t-traditionally-involved-in-huge-explosions bull s***. This was an all-female production, and we girls were involved in massive explosions driving to the studio almost daily!”
“Our society continues to grapple with deep-rooted misogyny and uninformed gender stereotypes,” a frustrated Schumer said to herself after no one would interview her. “Men need to be told how stupid and bigoted they are, and attending these movies for $17.50 is a great way to hear us complain about these issues for 170 minutes.”
Update: While the underperforming feminist film is a disappointment, Paramount Pictures is confident they will recoup all losses with their new remake: Fight Club 2 starring Rosie O’Donnell and Hillary Clinton
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