VICTORVILLE, CA– Mariana Lopez makes over 400 tortillas a day in her California food truck. Earlier this week, the face of America’s favorite swarthy Italian philosopher appeared on one and changed her life forever.
“Look! It’s Michael Knowles! Such a sweet boy,” she said holding the circular food up to the light. “I just listen to free podcast. But now? I become subscriber! But just ‘Insider’ tier. ‘All-Access’– mucho dinero!”
Surprisingly, the miracle of spotting Michael Knowles’ face in objects is nothing new.
“We spend hundreds of thousands on marketing for The Daily Wire, but we get more business from elderly Hispanic women seeing Michael’s face in fence posts, water stains, tortillas–it’s maddening,” co-owner, Ben Shapiro scoffed. “But I’ve heard of worse. Apparently, a bunch of people thought they saw the messiah like two thousand years ago. So, we all make mistakes.”
When asked for comment, Knowles said he’s not surprised the miraculous tortilla is a worldwide phenomenon. “The Lord works in mysterious ways, but this ain’t one of them,” he said. “I look my best on unleavened flatbread and I think nonstick pans know it. I think I’ll write a book about this whole event. Ya know what? I think I just did.”
As media outlets flock to see the glorious tortilla (Except Fox News, where Michael is still banned), god-king, Jeremy Boreing revealed plans to plant the faces of Daily Wire hosts all over the place.
“In the coming months, don’t be surprised to see Matt Walsh’s face on a tree stump. Or find that the smooth surface of a cantaloupe, has a striking resemblance to Klavan’s head,” Boreing announced.
Update: In response, Glen Beck’s The Blaze plans to have their hosts appear in an even more improbable place. Facebook.
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