In a huge announcement Wednesday, Donald Trump has offered to permanently remain off Twitter and Facebook in exchange for the opportunity to administer massive wedgies to tech nerds, Mark Zuckerberg and Jack Dorsey.
“It’s a tremendous deal, really,“ Trump said in his proposal. “They get to tell their radical, lunatic friends they kept Trump away while I enjoy the life-long satisfaction of giving those wedgies. A lot of people are saying I should hold out and give them atomic ones. I’m not so sure about that. But we’re looking into it.”
Trump went on to explain how he’s lived a full life, but this would be the highlight. “Yanking those nerds’ underwear up twelve, maybe fifteen inches as they squeal would be my greatest achievement. And really our greatest achievement as a country when you think about it.”
Oddly, major factions of both political parties have considered Trump’s deal a fair one. CNN’s Chris Cuomo may have said it best:
“It’s a bizarre proposal, but historians may look at these wedgies as the moment our nation’s wounds began to heal. Now, Trump is a strong dude like me, so the nerd’s butt won’t likely heal anytime soon. But perhaps our nation will.”
Update: Trump’s proposal is now on shaky ground after Zuckerberg enthusiastically and immediately agreed to the terms (while giggling). This greatly spooked Trump and his legal team as the Facebook founder is known in political circles as a “freaky lizard boy.”