MAINE — Last year, when Tucker Carlson and his staff were privately discussing what to order for lunch, the NSA used a nearby Alexa device to encourage them to avoid hamburgers because red meat is harmful to the environment.
Later that night, when Tucker recounted the story to his wife, an NSA agent disguised as a lamp quickly debunked his claim by whispering, “Stop being a conspiracy theorist.”
“That tipped me off something was up,” Tucker reported. “I think they’re reading my texts and emails too.”
Following Carlson’s claim, the NSA immediately hacked into his iPhone and scolded him–this time using the speakers of his device.
“You bastard–no, we’re not! This accusation is so outlandish!” they yelled from his device. “Also, that Jiffy Lube email coupon expires on Friday, you idiot!”
The whole situation has landed Tucker in hot water with former conservative, Jonah Goldberg.
“The NSA hasn’t spied on their political enemies in over five weeks,” he tweeted at the host. “That’s quite a body of work, so we must trust them.”
Update: The NSA released a statement explaining that many new, modern lamps have been known to whisper progressive talking points. “We know Matt Walsh has several of those, for example,” they wrote.
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