WASHINGTON, D.C.— Jen Psaki is so good at lying she claims ‘literally thousands’ of cable news networks are jocking to sign her to lie for them exclusively. Reportedly, MSNBC, the Lia Thomas of cable news, is in the lead for Psaki’s services.
“Hosting a show on MSNBC means no more diaper duty, so I’m going to practice my craft so hard and land this job,” she said, pacing the White House halls before approaching the press corps.
“Doctors say Joseph Biden’s brain is still functioning,” Jen slowly pronounced into a mirror. “The vaccine is safe and effective. Barack Obama is a happily married straight man.”
But the ethical issues this transition raises are not lost on Psaki.
“I want to be sensitive to anyone worried about the conflict of interest,” she said. “But anyone stupid enough to be concerned about that is a racist, Russian spy all hopped up on horse dewormer. So, they can kiss my big, fat, red butt.”
Update: Joe Biden, sad and confused to lose his greatest ally, said, “Jenniber is going to MS…NBA? Well, God bless her. Tell LeBrob…Lebobo Jenna, tell all the black guys, I said, hi.”
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