Recently Fox News’ Tucker Carlson made the radical assertion that the US military shouldn’t be sending women to fight our wars. It’s a claim so outrageous many believe the idea originated from QAnon or worse; a Chick-Fil-A break room.
Naturally, all national security efforts screeched to a halt the moment Carlson uttered these words. But now, a response has been issued.
“Now what, Tucker?” began a TikTok video from a Pentagon official wearing an oddly shaped pink beanie. “To prove to ol’ Tucker Carlson how our pregnant soldiers are the premier fighting personnel, we have promoted them to the front lines, effective immediately. Does Tucker seriously think ISIS is afraid of our non-gender diverse, majority-white SEAL Team? No way. We have a new team now. From now on, we send in the Lactators!”
It’s been learned ‘the Lactators’ is an elite squad of all-female killing machines in their third trimester. “We don’t know what’s more swollen with this bunch, their patriotism or their ankles,” a proud lieutenant said. “They can do absolutely anything on that battlefield, except tie their shoes or find their keys. But we don’t foresee that being a problem.”
Update: To further prove the Pentagon has made the correct call, China has enthusiastically supported the decision.