NASHVILLE, TN — Daily Wire host and walrus enthusiast Matt Walsh will be hosting a rockin’ awesome New Year’s Eve party for all subscribing members on December 31st. Naturally, Walsh has informed everyone attending that the fun will stop at 7:45 pm sharp.
“At 7:43 pm everyone will stand up, grab their jackets, and head for the exits,” Walsh informed. “That way, the building can be locked up, and I can be in my car by 7:45 pm. There will be no need for the janitorial crew to clean the facility because this party will only welcome well-mannered subscribers. No slobs. We’re not The Blaze. Plus, there will be no food. Only whisky. That reminds me, this is BYOW.”
The party will begin at 6:45 pm because Matt believes ‘anything worth doing can be done in an hour except fishing and sex.’
When Ben Shapiro heard about the unusually brief party, he was both astonished and astounded. “One hour? Come on, Matthew. Let’s have our events last at least as long as my last Pfizer shot,” Ben Tweeted.
The onslaught of attacks made Walsh annoyed and angered. A demeanor his fans aren’t used to.
“My body, filled with whisky by then, will be on my Helix mattress at 8:00 pm, and that’s final. My body, my choice,” Matt sniped. “Being awake past 9 pm is unnatural for a man. First, you’re up gallivanting at all hours of the night, and next, you’re swapping genders with your friends like baseball cards. I look forward to everyone coming to my fun party, and may God have mercy on your souls.”
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