Long-Time FOX 32 Chicago Anchor Calls It Quits After Gang Members Shoot Him 13 Times

Long-Time FOX 32 Chicago Anchor Calls It Quits After Gang Members Shoot Him 13 Times

OAK PARK, IL — After twenty-one years at FOX 32 Chicago, beloved anchorman Herb Swanson has decided to call it quits after opting to die from being shot over a dozen times by a local gang.

FOX 32, which is heavily subsidized by the state of Illinois, is frequently accused of slanting stories to favor Democrat talking points.

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Following the death of their anchorman, the station aired the following farewell piece:

“We all loved Herb Swanson. Which is why everyone at FOX 32 was saddened to learn he was going in a different direction with his life. Mainly, by not having one. His decision came shortly after he was assigned to do a story on Chicago gang violence. Unfortunately, Herb forgot the chief rule of journalism, which is not to become the story. He was shot thirteen times by a mostly peaceful drive-by shooting and has officially sacrificed his chair at the anchor desk. Many believe he did so to open up an opportunity for a female woman of color. There is a lot of uncertainty in our world right now, but all of us at FOX 32 know one thing for sure: Herb Swanson will not work here anymore.”

Update: Following a new Illinois bill legalizing crime, many economists predict a wave of Chicagoans will soon quit their jobs too.


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