As Parler continues to take users from Twitter, Jack Dorsey was forced to make a Parler account and beg users to go back to his obsolete platform.
Using the handle @EffParler4Realz! Dorsey made his first desperate attempt to stop the bleeding with this post:
“Hey guys, isn’t Parler lame and hurting my business? Come follow me on Twitter! @Jack”
His post sat unnoticed for eleven days before Parler users realized it was the real Jack Dorsey. Then thousands of people gave Jack a piece of their mind.
“So you left Twitter too, Jack? Congratulations! You’re now the dumbest person on Parler! The trophy is on its way!” said one irked Parler user to Dorsey. Later, a particularly feisty user shot over the New York Post link, which exposed Hunter Biden’s criminal dealings.
“MY EYES!” Jack screamed as he fell back in his chair, rubbing his eyeballs. “What’s going on with this website?” he whispered in shock. “They’ll just let you post any news story on here?”
But Dorsey didn’t give up that easily. He cracked his knuckles and posted this:
“I feel like calling you guys the MEANEST names right now! But Parler would probably just suspend my account just like we do over at Twitter.”
Jack’s comment was met with hysteria as Parler users told him that only Twitter was run by weak-minded pantywaists. He could say whatever he wanted, he was told.
Back at Twitter HQ, a still shaken-up Dorsey told his team, “You won’t believe what’s going on over at Parler, you guys. And you wouldn’t believe what some soccer mom told me to eat a bag of. It was awful,” he mumbled. “There were news stories about something called ‘election fraud,’ and journalists were actually reporting on stuff they had learned!”
Everyone screamed like Jack had ended a scary story around a campfire. Every Twitter employee vowed to never speak of Parler ever again.