A unique button designed to automatically fast forward through whatever the hell Juan Williams is saying will now come standard on all new remote controls, The Glorious American has learned. Because so many Americans prematurely wear out their remotes trying to avoid the drivel Williams is saying, many remote manufacturers agree the button will save them millions in warranty claims.
Since the button became standard, viewership of The Five has increased 700% and has left the network wondering if Williams is holding the show back.
“Our audience always says things like, ‘please stop connecting Juan’s microphone, he’s making me dumber,’ and ‘does he realize his words are in no way assembled to form a rational thought?’” Fox producer said. “But he’s the only liberal we can get to show up for work on time every day.”
When reached for comment Williams said, “You’re right. I looked down on my remote and guess what? I saw my face! Neat!” Juan continued to speak for roughly fourteen minutes, but our reporter could only manage to sit through the one sentence.
In a related story, all new TV sets will soon include a large brick in the event that Chris Wallace unexpectedly pops up on your screen.