ATLANTA, GA– Failed CNN host Don Lemon, now the host of X’s little-known show When Life Gives You Gay Lemons, remains in critical condition Tuesday after an intern called him ‘Donald’ earlier this week. Doctors say Lemon is lucky to be alive after suffering two strokes, a grand mal seizure, and soiling himself.
Those who witnessed the attack are also shaken up.
“I’ve never seen anything like it. That intern walked right up to Don and was like, ‘Here’s your coffee, DONALD!’ and Don grabbed his chest and collapsed,” a cameraman said with a thousand-yard stare. “We didn’t know the extent of his injury, but we could tell he soiled his pants immediately.”
As Lemon rehabs, X is scrambling to fill his time slot. “People turn on Don’s show when they leave the house, so their pets don’t feel lonely,” Elon Musk said. “The recklessness of that intern is going to make dozens of cats have a little anxiety. Plus, his home studio needs to hire professional carpet cleaners to clean the carpets where Don soiled himself.”
Update: Per When Life Gives You Gay Lemons policy, the intern was terminated and executed via firing squad.
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