ATLANTA, GA– At long last, CNN has unveiled CNN+, a streaming service designed to capture the overflow of viewers who desperately want to watch their network.
“This is CNN and our cup runneth over,” President Jeff Zucker said from prison. “We haven’t done any research on this, but we assume our viewers need more of our compelling content. You want blond babes and their bible studies, stick with FOX Nation! CNN + is made for the people who love to repeat what they heard on the regular CNN. It’s called a self-propelling circular loop of cash.”
The Blitzer’s Beard-Grooming Tutorials alone makes it worth ‘a hundred times’ more than the monthly subscription, Wolf Blitzer promised while promoting the service.
The app will also feature a 5-part epoch, The Making of ‘This Is An Apple’ – the ad that revolutionized TV News promos. (oddly, the title This Is A Banana was already taken by Disney)
But things aren’t all rosy for CNN’s new venture. Reportedly, Chris Wallace is furious after being assigned to hold the boom mic for Jeffrey Toobin’s 3D laptop show.
UPDATE: With help from big tech, CNN + will use AI to detect conservative subscribers, who will be forced to watch their 48-part series ‘Accept the Results and Like Them.’
[@DistefaD Contributed To This Article. Follow Him On Twitter!]
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