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Because CNN Reported He Was ‘Seriously Ill’, Kim Jong-Un Believed To Have Clean Bill Of Health

Because CNN Reported He Was ‘Seriously Ill’, Kim Jong-Un Believed To Have Clean Bill Of Health

One of the world’s villains got some great news this week when CNN reported he was ‘seriously ill.’  A prisoner, who is tasked to watch CNN.com as a part of his torture sprinted into the palace with the good news.

“Hooray!  CNN say my surgery went bad?  Must be healthy as North Korean horse!” Kim Jong-Un yelled while demanding to be lifted onto the shoulders of his soldiers to celebrate. 

While using surveillance methods, South Korean officials believe Kim Jong-Un’s health may actually be in danger.  “While listening, we could tell his surgery did suffer complications.  The plan was for him to rest and try to heal.  But now that CNN released their report saying he was in trouble, Kim and most of America have naturally been reassured of the exact opposite.  Jong-Un is a monster, but he’s no fool.  He knows the CNN formula just like everyone else does.”

According to surveillance reports, North Korea has created a new holiday to forever celebrate the bill of clean health for their leader.  In the festival, a play was held and a short fat man acted like Brian Stelter delivering the news.  “When the actor says, ‘Oh no! Dear leader is so sick and in trouble!’ they all just go crazy with joy and reassurance.