ATLANTA, GA — Last night, thousands of violent protestors tried to storm the CNN headquarters in Atlanta. For hours, law enforcement was able to hold them off. That was until long-time CNN anchor Anderson Cooper instinctively joined the fray.
Minutes before leaping into action, Cooper was on-air dutifully reporting how loving and tranquil the protestors in Atlanta were.
“Look at them go. Fighting for justice. Buncha sweethearts if you ask me,” Cooper said. “The swaying of that news van, the flickering flames dancing on top of that low-income housing unit. It’s really kind of soothing.”
But then, Cooper figured out that the furious mob was just outside his own CNN building. He leapt from his chair and briefly stood on his desk. “I’M COMING, LEFTISTS!” he screamed as he sprinted out of the building.
“What did I miss, comrades?!” Anderson yelled to the group.
“We’re trying to break into the CNN building and destroy the network and everyone who works there!” a brave warrior replied.
“YES! A noble goal! I was thinking about doing that yesterday!” Cooper informed.
To everyone’s shock, Anderson Cooper then charged cops with a roundhouse karate kick that sent a dozen officers stumbling backwards. The hole created enough room for the protestors to take over the building.
Update: Brian Stelter’s life was spared. He curled up into a ball and the mob just rolled him out through the double doors.
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