It was a full-blown meltdown on CNN last night after the network learned President Trump encouraged the states to issue a curfew.
“At this time I’ll ask our audience—yeah, all 10 of you, to sit down or grab on to something sturdy. Because I’ve got something so shocking to tell you,” Jake Tapper warned. The President is telling American citizens to go home. To stay in their house. Trapped like rats! I mean, is this still America?!”
Soon the entire CNN panel of guests began hyperventilating.
“You can’t ask people to stay in their homes!” Kirsten Powers screamed flapping her arms. “What about the nourishing vitamin D the outdoors provides?”
In order to drive the point home, CNN producers began generating news on the fly.
“Check out this graphic we just made,” Tapper alerted. “If Americans are forced to be locked away a few hours earlier tonight, 102% of citizens say they will lose the will to live. So, one can assume, everyone will kill themselves.”
“And Jake!” Powers interrupted. “This would be the twenty-eighth time he’s killed everyone!”
In classic CNN fashion, the show ended with Tapper and his three contributors belting out bloodcurdling screams.