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Yelp Asks Carl Bernstein To Stop Rating Everything As ‘Worse Than Watergate’

Yelp Asks Carl Bernstein To Stop Rating Everything As ‘Worse Than Watergate’

After several warnings, Yelp.com has now suspended Carl Bernstein from their platform after the hack journalist continued to rate everything as “worse than Watergate.”

The final straw came after Bernstein gave one-star reviews to Shriners Hospital, Buffalo Wild Wings, and the United States Pentagon all in one day.  Additionally, he wrote, “worse than Watergate” for every establishment.   

“We asked him, ‘Carl, how can Shriners Children’s Hospital be worse than Watergate?” Yelp CEO, Jeremy Stoppelman explained.  “And he just kept yelling, ‘I know those kids are up to something!’.  So we suspended him for 36 hours.” 

Furious with his suspension, Bernstein quickly got another book deal and authored: Worse Than Watergate LXVII: This Time, It’s Even Worse, You Guys.

“The American people depend on me to sniff out a rat, and by George, I deliver!  Every single time!”  Bernstein wrote.  “Try walking in my penny loafers.  People don’t want to hear me say, ‘oh, that restaurant’s service was slightly below average.’  No!  They want me to whip out the big guns.  And everyone loves me for it except the hundreds of business owners who I’ve put out of work.”

Update:  The moment Yelp lifted the suspension, Carl began looking all over the app for a way to review Yelp itself.  “What Yelp.com and those Shriners kids are cooking up goes straight to the top!  They’re going to be blown away with how I characterize them,” Bernstein whispered.