CALIFORNIA — Weeks ago, footage of Vivek Ramaswamy supporting a small business owner went viral as the Presidential-hopeful delivered more than 40 blows to a robber attempting to steal a trash can full of cigarettes from a grocery store.
“When I say I will stick up for the working man, I mean it. And I’ve got the stick to prove it,” an out-of-breath Vivek said as the authorities slowly zipped up the deceased thief. “As President, I will personally get into a wide stance and beat the living s— out of every last lawbreaker I see. The old saying still rings true: What America needs is a 5’ 5” Indian billionaire with the temperament of Chuck Norris.”
In a video circulating on social media, a keen eye can see the store owner texting Ramaswamy as the robber loaded up the trash can.
“I texted him, ‘I’m being robbed. Come quick. Could be valuable photo op. Bring your long stick,’” the owner recounted. “Had it been nighttime, I would have shown the Vivek signal into the foggy clouds. But it’s the shape of a bowl of Chickpea Curry, and it’s super hard to identify, so we small business owners prefer just to text him.”
The person recording the incident can be heard saying, ‘Just let him go, man. The police won’t care, and Ramaswamy is campaigning in Iowa—so it’s hopeless, dawg.”
But seconds later, Vivek crashed through the wall, screamed his trademark, “Time for a RamasWAMMY!” and began pounding the shoplifter with his stick.
Update: To keep pace with Vivek’s surging polls, Mike Pence has offered to fight the fly that keeps nesting on his head.
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