In addition to hosting the most-watched show in television history, Tucker Carlson has been asked to conduct all FBI work moving forward without pay. The hundreds of agents within the bureau are pleased with this development because conducting investigations is “hard” and “super lame”.
“If you get all caught up in gathering information, that’s a bunch of time you can’t play Xbox,” a top agent said. “Plus, why should we bother when that Tucker guy’s already doing all the work?”
The FBI has forwarded all the nation’s tip-lines to Tucker’s cell phone.
While most members of the FBI are thrilled to begin their open-ended paid vacation, high ranking officials have asked Carlson not to dig too deep into the files marked “Obama”, “Biden” or “Hillary”.
When Tucker was forced to tour the evidence room, he noticed a massive warehouse packed to the ceiling with documents and electronic devices.
“Don’t worry about all that, that’s just where we keep all the stuff Hunter Biden’s business partners keep sending us,” Christopher Wray explained to Tucker. “I think people think Hunter lives here or something. Anyway- OH! Do you think you can find all that Russia Collusion stuff?”