WASHINGTON, D.C.–Roe v. Wade was overturned on Friday and many believe it was because Biden’s Solicitor General was bamboozled by a particularly difficult legal question during the oral arguments.
After arguing that ending abortion would disproportionately harm women, Justice Thomas asked for clarification on what a woman actually was.
“Oh, that’s easy,” the lawyer confidently began. “A woman—or sometimes referred to as “a man” is a wom—is a human who… actually is a person who identifies as…they can’t open jars very good, your honor.”
Thomas then leaned forward and reminded the lawyer that former President Obama has never successfully opened a jar without the help of Michelle.
“So you’re saying Obama is a woman, and his rights are in jeopardy?” Thomas asked.
“Ummm. Sort of. You see, Obama might not be a woman per se, but remember how he would quickly prance down the steps of Air Force One like a poodle? Doing the little cha-cha things with his hands? I think this crystallizes our larger point on the matter.”
A flustered Judge Thomas then asked Amy Coney Barrett to help clarify what was going on.
“What? I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention,” Coney Barrett said while wrestling with a large jar of pickles. “WHY WON’T THIS DAMN THING OPEN!”
At this time, Justice Kegan stepped in to refocus the debate.
“I think the question is, If a baby can’t feel pain or even vote Democrat, is that really even a life?” she asked shrugging. “We all know if Kavanaugh’s leg is asleep, I can amputate it no questions asked. So I think that’s precedent enough to kill all the children. I think Satan would like that.”
After Kegan’s remarks, a furious Amy Coney Barrett stood up and yelled, “YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT PAIN, ELENA?!” and threw the jar of pickles at her head.
With giant pickles strewn about the courtroom, Justice John Roberts was sent into a panic attack and demanded to be taken to a “less masculine” safe space.
Once the dust settled on one of the more violent Supreme Court brawls, it was learned that Roe v. Wade had been overturned.
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