NAPA VALLEY, CA— One of the perks of being an American celebrity is never having to follow the laws of a foreign land.
But don’t tell that to Paul Pelosi.
“You know me. I’m what they call a law abider. I abide by laws. And that would be my advice to that humongous girl. Be a respecter of laws,” Paul said while carefully chopping up lines of cocaine with a credit card.
The humongous girl is every sports fan’s favorite: Brittney Griner of the WNBA’s Wichita Wildebeests or something.
Griner was caught transporting twelve pounds of cannabis laced with Tide Pod residue (well under the legal limit in San Francisco) through a Russian airport. She was sentenced to nine years, or when all female sports leagues are overrun with capable male athletes— whichever comes first.
Paul Pelosi then chided Griner about the dangers of having an entitled, out-of-touch nature.
“She acted above the law, and as a well-connected Democrat, I look down on that from way up here. My dads taught me, don’t steal a gallon of milk. You pay the $18.50 or whatever the [explisit] those cost. If you do the time, you’ve got to do the crime!” He said, finishing his eighth bottle of cabernet going 90mph through a school zone.
Related: Anthony Weiner has announced his deep disappointment with Cleveland quarterback, Deshaun Watson
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