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Nation’s Police Demand Pay Raise After Getting Rioters ‘Right Where We Want Them’

Nation’s Police Demand Pay Raise After Getting Rioters ‘Right Where We Want Them’

Every police force in America has demanded a raise after claiming they’ve got the rioters ‘right where we want them.’

The country, which has only four buildings left intact, is not particularly thrilled with how law enforcement has handled the rioters. 

“What’s been happening is, a group of protestors will demand all the police abandon their precinct, and the cops are telling them, ‘your wish is my command’,” Fox News’ Bret Baier reported Sunday morning.  “Sometimes the group overthrowing a precinct is as small as three people.  And in Portland, a precinct was preemptively given to a suspicious-looking 5’3” woman wielding a vicious beast as a weapon.  Now, it turns out, that was just an old woman walking her poodle, but she was still given the keys to the building as the police sprinted away in fear. 

As resistance mounts for the pay increases, officers are explaining why it’s necessary.

“When we signed up to be policemen, we had no idea it would be scary!” screamed a Brooklyn cop in tears.  “This one guy yelled at me and totally hurt my feelings!  You think I signed up for that?!” 

This particular police officer is claiming his pay increase will help cover his therapy costs and a pair of new running shoes should he ever need to sprint away from trouble again.