Minnesota baseball fans were handed some ominous news Saturday when Major League Baseball announced they would relocate the Minnesota Twins if they don’t like what the jurors say in the George Floyd Trial.
“As a sports league, our first job is to shape politics and help Democrats,” MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred said. “In fact, it’s our only job. And if those jurors make one wrong move, we’ll yank the Twins out of Minnesota faster than the 2020 Presidential election results. I’m serious, we can have them moved in nine weeks flat!”
Thankfully for the MLB, the judge in the George Floyd trial has made the jurors aware of the gravity of their decision. Each morning, they are shown footage of the citywide explosions found in the 1996 film Independence Day.
“Every square inch of the Midwest will look like this if your verdict displeases multinational corporations,” the Judge said pointing to the footage. “Or even worse, you’ll hurt LeBron James’ feelings!”
MLB has announced that only cities with great reputations for justice and orderliness will be considered for the new home of the Twins.
“Naturally, Portland is clearly the frontrunner,” the commissioner said. “Unlike Minnesota, the people of Portland demand equality so badly, they comb the streets and neighborhoods every night and make sure everyone agrees with them. These are the fans MLB wants.”
Update: Major League Baseball is now considering leaving the United States altogether after learning of the Jim Crow-inspired ‘three-strikes law’.
“You only get three chances to commit felonies and then you’re ‘out’?” the commissioner said. “We totally disagree with that logic.”