Merrick Garland: 'Mom Says You Guys Have To Stop Making Fun Of Me'

Merrick Garland: 'Mom Says You Guys Have To Stop Making Fun Of Me'

WASHINGTON, DC Attorney General Merrick Garland offered a stiff warning to the 92% of Americans who believe the FBI is now a pathetic joke.

“Quit it, guys, ok?! Mom says you guys have to stop making fun of me,” Garland said with his patented demeanor of strength and confidence. “You guys have to listen to me cause I’m the Attorney General! I’m the big guy around here! Well, actually, I’m not THE big guy—that’s Joe Bid—no, just knock it off!”

Garland’s remarks came after he learned that the FBI’s last, paper-thin veneer of legitimacy had fallen off like the skirt of an underaged Russian hooker in Hunter Biden’s hotel room.

But nevertheless, he persisted:

“You know that if the FBI did something, it’s super trustworthy. We even had a judge sign-off on the warrant,” Garland said. However, when a reporter asked for the judge’s name, he nervously replied, “She goes to a different school.”

Update:  After a media member loudly called Merrick Garland and his DOJ a “clown show,” the AG angrily yelled, “That’s it, let’s go, men!” Then somehow, Garland and forty-four FBI agents piled into a single black sedan and drove away.   

Give Us Story Ideas

Real News Happening Now: