Justice Department To Investigate The 59% Of Americans Who Believe Election Was Stolen

Justice Department To Investigate The 59% Of Americans Who Believe Election Was Stolen

WASHINGTON, DC – The oversized magnifying glass that is the January 6th committee has discovered that 3/5ths of Americans are radical—and not in the cool, skateboarding way.

“This is a fringe group who doesn’t properly represent what we’re all supposed to believe,” Merrick Garland told NBC News.  “No one is above the law, and we Democrats intend to rise up and send that message in a uniquely partisan way, so they know who’s boss.”

Future president Liz Cheney added, “Many of these Americans are entitled, arrogant, little-Miss-Piggie-looking traitors.  Plus, they lack self-awareness!  So, we’ve opened up a can of whoop—I mean, opened up an investigation on 197,652,381 insurrectionists.  And I can guarantee many of them have WMDs, you guys.”

Per normal protocol, when Democrats (and Republicans) rule both chambers of Congress, the nearly two million Americans will await their right to a speedy trial in solitary confinement for roughly 2.5 years.

“Thankfully, forward-thinking policies of our ruling class have hollowed out most of our manufacturing plants, so now we have a place to throw these animals,” Garland said.

Update:  Most of the two million detainees are asking Congress to view the documentary 2000 Mules, but officials claim they can’t, “until they see the first 1999 Mules.”


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