WASHINGTON, DC — On Friday, Jill Biden placed her foot on the lower back of her husband and used it to forcefully shove him to the ground. Then she demanded a White House staffer hand her a pen. The cap of the pen was stuck tightly at first, but nevertheless, she persisted. Moments later, she had signed a groundbreaking executive order that officially legalized elder abuse.
“The old and feeble have gotten a free ride for far too long! And it’s time they work for me–I mean us, Jill screamed to the press. “No longer do we need to serve him–I mean them– ice cream and Fig Newtons all day.”
Jill explained further, “Let’s say you need to use the shell of a man as a type of Trojan horse to gain vast amounts of power and attention–now you can do so at your leisure.”
Just then, Jill’s husband shuffled back into the room and demanded to know how many cups of raccoons it takes to make a peanut butter milkshake. Unfortunately, Joe walked in front of the cameras that were capturing Jill’s big moment.
“Will someone get this old bag out of the way!” Jill screamed before hurling a bust of Jesse Smollett at Joe. “What? It’s the law of the land,” she sheepishly said as the medical team tried to revive her husband.
Update: Now on the mend, Joe Biden has been assigned 10-hour per day landscape duty. He’s been told he can sniff any gophers he finds on White House property.
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