WILMINGTON, DE—The Bidens, known for their wisdom and class, have discovered another way to commit a bunch more heinous crimes.
Last weekend’s events forced the FBI and Secret Service to admit they had a crippling fear of surfaces that are not perfectly level.
“It is true that any and all criminal acts can take place on roofs, for example, because slopy places are out of our jurisdiction,” the head of the Secret Service, Kimmy Cheatle, admitted. “Since 2020, we’ve hired exclusively overweight women, and the idea of even getting their huge asses—I mean their wonderful, capable hind quarters of color up there defy physics all altogether.”
Naturally, Hunter Biden was thrilled to hear this news and promptly informed his father of the great news. The Glorious American has obtained the following transcript of their conversation:
“Dad, I’ve found a great loophole!” Hunter said.
“Uhhh. Does she have a sister?” Joe asked.
“Oh, gross! I mean, I found a way to follow my dreams of wreckless lawlessness and not face that thing conservatives talk about. I think they call it ‘consequences?'” Hunter explained.
Soon, the fictional president’s son brought fourteen pounds of Delaware’s finest crack cocaine and Atlantic City’s finest prostitutes atop a roof and began doing horrible acts.
Update: The DNC now plans to hold their entire convention on the slightly sloped roof of a TJ Maxx.
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