SACRAMENTO, CA — In a stunning turn of events, Gavin Newsom, who recently signed R.E.L.A.X. (Reduce Everyone’s Lifespan And eXpectations), is coming forward with some horrifying personal news.
“You guys aren’t going to believe this. Only days after I signed the bill to make it illegal to prosecute death threats, people online have made death threats against me. ME! Every media member’s favorite politician!” a teary-eyed Newsom yelled.
But Newsom was not short of ideas to solve his problem.
With his face turning red with rage, the Governor then leaned into the microphone and angrily whispered, “It’s one thing for boring citizens to be threatened, but it’s another thing when it happens to me. So I’ll tell you what we’re going to do. First, we’re going to find these people. Then we’re going to skirt the 200-year-old non-torture laws and put their genitals into one of those paint-shaking devices at Home Depot. Criminals must pay when it affects me!”
A member of the press then told Newsom that his plan is ridiculous because R.E.L.A.X now prohibits retaliation for death threats and the paint-shaking machines ‘can’t handle all 136 types of genitals.’
Angered by this reporter’s insubordination, Newsom went on Twitter and threatened to kill him.
Update: The reporter tried filing charges but was told to RELAX.
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