WASHINGTON, DC – It’s a long-standing policy to respect the privacy of any radical liberals who try to kill anyone in the path of Democrats. So, when the FBI opted not to investigate the cell phone of Trump’s would-be assassin, they were just following protocol. But not everyone understands this, and this has made the agency furious.
“We just can’t hack into a cellular device. Technology has only come so far, people,” began an FBI statement. “So to the Republicans claiming otherwise, watch your back. Using sophisticated cellular hacking technology, we know exactly who you are, where you are, and every website you’ve ever visited.”
Soon, some conspiracy theorists pointed out a contradiction in the FBI’s official statement.
“Hey, wait a minute. Why can’t they use that same software on the shooter’s phone!?” wrote a Facebook user, Danial Herman.
Naturally, over a dozen agents were pulled from Donald Trump’s security detail and were reassigned to monitor Herman.
“How about you shut up, Danial? We’re looking at an email you sent in 2003 where you slandered the entire Hispanic community by saying, ‘I’m getting sick of J. Lo,'” the FBI promptly texted Herman.
UPDATE: Currently, the FBI has hacked the cellular devices of over 24,000 Americans who question their motivation not to hack the shooter’s device.
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