Dawsonville, GA– Our pandemic was going so great. But it looks like a hotshot doctor in northern Georgia may have ruined everything.
Dr. Jessi Roberts, a straight white male, was caught suggesting his patients eat horse food ‘every day’ for over twelve years. Even more disgusting, he made up a little rhyme to help his victims remember his deadly prescription.
“He would say, ‘an apple a day keeps the doctor away’ and then, we assume he would brush their hair and stroke their nose and say ‘whoa, WHOOOOA boy’ if they resisted,” an FBI agent said. “The ‘apple’ is a little-known, exotic fruit that Adolf Hitler spoke fondly of. My TV says it’s exclusively meant for livestock.”
While many who saw Dr. Roberts lived relatively healthy lives, one of his 93-year-old patients was mauled by a pack of wild dogs and died.
“In the autopsy, we found horse food in the 93-year-old’s stomach. Carrots, apples, celery–it was horrific,” the coroner reported which led to the doctor’s arrest.
Naturally, inappropriately applying medical information set Dr. Fauci off.
“What would he prescribe a herniated disc? A bucket of oats?” he yelled on CNN. “Everyone knows you only heal those with a 50-day lockdown!”
[CREDIT: Headline submitted by our friend @realtruthcactus]
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