On Tuesday Chicago native, Kevin Gibson put criminals in harm’s way as he accepted a routine beating while being totally unvaccinated.
“They say Chicago is a dangerous city, but I had no idea it had gotten this bad,” Crips member, Jorge Dominguez commented. “When I was knocking him unconscious and taking his money, I felt uncomfortable and unsafe. A criminal should never have to feel that way, ya know?”
As expected, the unclean citizen ushered in a wave of new regulations. Mayor Lori Lightfoot is now mandating all criminals disinfect their fists, bats, and crowbars before and after each beating. Also, the social distancing between gunmen and victims has been lengthened from six feet to eight.
Mitch McConnell even spoke about the news. “Listen, folks, get vaccinated. It’s either get vaccinated or it’s no assault and battery for you!” he said before slinking back into his shell.
But some are claiming the news story is missing the point–the bigger story.
“Hey, wait a minute. Why was this guy white?” CNN’s Don Lemon asked about the victim. “This guy was violating policy all over the place!”
Update: Lemon’s comments have encouraged Illinois to create a non-white passport system.
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