William Barr and his crew at the DOJ have not shown up to work lately. Dorothy, the long-time HR rep for the DOJ, is confirming a thirty-one-day streak of sick days for high-ranking directors.
“When the guys saw a poll showing Biden up 17, they all started asking me how many sick days they’ve accrued,” Dorothy said. “John Durham has been giving me every excuse in the book because his report has been due for over a year. His last call to me was, ‘my doctor said I was low on Vitamin D, so I’m moving to Fiji’. I’m not buying it.”
Dorothy explained that the last time she saw anyone in the building, they were all dancing to the R.E.M. song It’s the end of the world as we know it.
The DOJ’s extended absence has been costly. The nation is now being governed by the trending section of Twitter, the ladies on The View, and Colin Kaepernick’s Instagram account.
William Barr and John Durham were later found playing PlayStation surrounded by empty pizza boxes. The two eventually admitted they wanted to use up all their sick days ‘before the end of democracy’.