As reports began to surface that Seattle’s lawless den of criminals have begun murdering one another, CNN was quick to send a reporter to the scene to debunk these wild, right-wing conspiracy theories.
“I’m here at this lovely street festival, and as you can see, it couldn’t be more tranquil,” the reporter informed CNN’s Brian Seltzer. However, as the camera slowly panned over, a series of murders and stabbing could clearly be seen and heard.
As the reporter and Seltzer screamed in unison, sounds of explosions began thundering down sending CHOP’s peaceful citizens running for their lives.
Back in the studio, a furious Jeff Zucker began screaming at his CNN crew, “That footage was clearly doctored! Get it together! This is playing right into Tucker’s hands!”
Now afraid for his job, the reporter tried again to showcase CHOP’s utopian qualities, but the gunshots and screaming were far too loud.
“I SAID, THIS PLACE IS TOTALLY [loud gun blast] SAFE!”
Sadly, the report was cut short when CHOP unleashed its army on the press. The journalist later issued an apology for getting in the way of their bullets and large blunt objects.