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CNN: As Tucker Carlson’s Ratings Continue To Climb, So Do Odds That He Committed Sexual Assault

CNN: As Tucker Carlson’s Ratings Continue To Climb, So Do Odds That He Committed Sexual Assault

An interesting correlation was noticed by CNN on Monday regarding Tucker Carlson.  In their fascinating study, it seems the higher the Fox News star’s ratings climb, so do the odds that he committed horrifying sexual assaults.

“The data speaks for itself,” CNN’s Brian Seltzer said holding up an Applebee’s menu, hoping people would assume it was the research paper.  “You see way down here?” Stelzer asked while unknowingly pointing to the chicken tenders.  “Down here Tucker was only getting a million viewers, and he wasn’t a threat to women.  But as his ratings grew and he started hurting our feelings, you can see he entered the dangerous probability that he’s an insatiable sex predator.”

It’s not all bad news for Tucker though.  The study shows he is not yet quite at the most threatening level.  “Yeah, the most elite fraternity of sexual criminals is reserved for Supreme Court Justices who we disagree with politically,” Stelzer explained.   

The study prompted several FBI agents to alert Fox News that Tucker’s ratings were far too high.  “Sure, there’s technically not a law against this, but Obama said we didn’t have to worry about the pesky law anymore.  We told Fox that if he keeps this up, we’d have no choice but to falsify a few documents.  Ya know, the standard stuff.”   

Tucker was reached for comments, but only replied with, “It’s 2:30 am!”, and “How’d you get in my house?!”